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Every Atari 7800 Game Reviewed
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SCORES EXPLAINED:

5.0 Perfect
4.5 Excellent
4.0 Very Good
3.5 Good
3.0 Fair
2.5 Weak
2.0 Poor
1.5 Bad
1.0 Terrible
0.5 Atrocious
0.0 Your Mom






DEMOS/ HACKS/ PROTOTYPES
& UNFINISHED GAMES SCORING:


Must Have!
Curious Oddity
Dud
Every 7800 Game Reviewed



Once upon a time, Cousin Vinnie's Atari 7800 Panoramic Froo Froo boasted reviews for EVERY Atari 7800 game on planet Earth. The site was destroyed by evil Aliens who hated the funk... but now its time to rebuild. If you believe... the reviews will come. They will, man. They effing will.

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All Official Releases, Completed Prototypes and Homebrews

TITLE SCORE QUICK HITTER
5.0 (Perfect) "In fact, Rikki & Vikki is so good, it feels a bit odd that a game with such mainstream-vibes is a part of this quirky and weird library of misfits"- Funkmaster V
5.0 (Perfect) "It's made for people like me: guys who suck at platform jumping and wished the hero packed an Uzi" - Funkmaster V
5.0 (Perfect) "This maze/pinball hybrid is the amazing marriage between two completely different genres you never knew you needed." - Funkmaster V
5.0 (Perfect) "B*nq (Q*bert) is actually so high in quality that it makes other 7800 arcade ports like Donkey Kong and Galaga walk over to the corner of the room and pee their pants in submission." - Funkmaster V
PAC MAN COLLECTION5.0 (Perfect) "Although this is largely a collection of Ms. Pac Man hacks, you cannot deny that the amount of variety in this cart is not only addictive, but absolutely perfect if you are a maze game nut." - Funkmaster V
4.5 (Excellent) "...this game puts the hatred of robots in my heart, and helps it fester." - Funkmaster V
4.5 (Excellent) "Burgertime (Beef Drop) may be the best thing associated with the Atari 7800. I became a fan of this odd game, a title that a health inspector would cringe at, on the Atari 7800." - Funkmaster V
MS. PAC MAN4.5 (Excellent) "With the homebrew scene booming with Pac Man ports and hacks, Maze Game supremacy is a coveted title on the Atari 7800 nowadays. But even after all this time, her highness is still royalty." - Funkmaster V
4.5 (Excellent) "People either go ga-ga over this beautiful puzzle/ action/ shooter hybrid, or they don't. On this site, we are the pom pom girls for it."- Funkmaster V
4.5 (Excellent) "The only thing missing here is trac ball support. This is a classic game, with extra modes, and great graphics. Atari 7800 team play, again, makes this a hard shooter to take lightly, even if we've seen it before." - Funkmaster V
4.5 (Excellent) "If you like RPGs, adventure games, or gigantic Grandpa Munster heads, Midnight Mutants is a must have." - Funkmaster V
4.5 (Excellent) "Commando is a commie wasting blast!"- Funkmaster V
4.5 (Excellent) "Impossible Mission features tons of puzzles and problem solving, decent graphics and sound effects, and a challenge that is out of this world."- Funkmaster V
4.5 (Excellent) "There will be loads of Rambo-esque testosterone flowing throw your veins when you wipe out 20 guys with a single hand grenade."- Funkmaster V
4.5 (Excellent) "Scramble is the very best horizontal shooter for the system, and my third favorite way to prepare eggs."- Funkmaster V
4.5 (Excellent) "Dragon's Descent is a near perfect blend of coin-op approachability, adventure gaming, and dungeon crawling that rarely works this well anywhere." - Funkmaster V
4.5 (Excellent) "Bad ass women rule because they kick ass. Bad ass old women rule even harder because they kick ass and then they make you cookies." - Funkmaster V
4.5 (Excellent)"... this game is the spiritual big brother of Super Breakout." - Funkmaster V
4.0 (Very Good) "...it has all the action and gameplay of the original arcade game."- Crossbow
4.0 (Very Good) "I think Ninja Golf personifies what video games were supposed to be...Just plain, stupid fun." - Funkmaster V
4.0 (Very Good) "... it's just fun to sit back and waste Alien arse." - Funkmaster V
JOUST4.0 (Very Good) "Joust is another in a respectable line of excellent arcade ports for the Atari 7800. But in the year 2020, I worry about abusing the Proline controllers with this guy."- Funkmaster V
4.0 (Very Good) "Atari really studied their Ps and Qs on this one."- Crossbow
4.0 (Very Good) "The shield is a much better defensive device than Asteroid's hyperspace, plus its got great comedic value." - Funkmaster V
4.0 (Very Good) "Everything you loved about the arcade is present here in this version."- Crossbow
4.0 (Very Good) "Let's blow stuff up! Here's a faithful arcade port that will not disappoint the shmup gamer inside you." - Funkmaster V
4.0 (Very Good) "Terrific music and fast gameplay makes this futuristic sports title both intriguing and fun to play." - Funkmaster V
4.0 (Very Good)"Although not a pure blooded sports game, Basketbrawl without question is the best sports title for the 7800."- Funkmaster V
ROBOTRON: 20844.0 (Very Good) "Robotron is a simple game, perhaps too simple for some, but it offers non-stop robot butt kicking action for those looking to do so. This game has inspired many companies and hobby programmers to develop dual joystick accesories for the 7800 port... and that says something about its appeal."- Funkmaster V
4.0 (Very Good) "Did this mutha fuggin game just call me a Vizzer? It did? Now what the hell is a Vizzer?" - Funkmaster V
MARIO BROTHERS4.0 (Very Good) "I dunno... I always thought this was a quirky game that was so far on the edge of being so strange that it almost wasn't fun."- Funkmaster V
4.0 (Very Good) "Astro Blaster has never been ported to a home console, and that's too bad because it has a few interesting twists that set it apart..." - Funkmaster V
4.0 (Very Good) "Desert Falcon is an odd game that undoubtedly borrows from the popular Arcade sensation Zaxxon, but adds a few hitches here and there to make it a very interesting cart on its own"- Funkmaster V
4.0 (Very Good) "Serpentine is an interesting knife fight that blends cagey defense with a mad rush of offense when the opportunity presents itself."- Funkmaster V
4.0 (Very Good) "Not nearly as approachable as Tetris, Klax is a thinking man's "stuff is falling" game."- Funkmaster V
RAMPAGE4.0 (Very Good) "...it is a blast being able to be the bad guys for once"- Crossbow
4.0 (Very Good) "As ubiquitous as Dragon's Cache's puzzle gameplay may be, the Dragon motif and the promise of more Dragon glory down the road has me sold." - Funkmaster V
3.5 (Good) "Alpha Race adds a race element in a series with "Race" in the title for the first time ever! Genius! " - Funkmaster V
3.5 (Good) "Space Duel is the third Asteroids game for the Prosystem when it would have been fine if we stopped at two."- Funkmaster V
3.5 (Good) "Vector graphics are unfortunately replaced with breakfast cereal looking space rocks... but team play saves the day." - Crossbow
3.5 (Good) "Fail Safe is not the hare, she is the tortoise" - Funkmaster V
3.5 (Good) "The pissed off janitor scene is worth a purchase alone." - Funkmaster V
3.5 (Good) "Galaga could have been another slam dunk arcade conversion for the 7800 if it wasn't for the game being demoically possessed at level 10." - Funkmaster V
SAVE MARY3.5 (Good) "Managing falling bricks appeals to human beings for some reason, but to throw in a victim who is also the game's main antagonist was quite a stroke of genius."- Funkmaster V
3.5 (Good) "Your super hot Latina wife makes a terrific Nachos Del Grande platter. Your evil neighbors be eyeballin' and talkin' big noise. It's time to fight over them nachos."- Funkmaster V
MEAN 18 ULTIMATE GOLF3.5 (Good) "...if you are a Tiger Woods generation golf fan, the lack of rock-n-roll will bore you to tears."- Funkmaster V
3.5 (Good) "When playing this urban blighted, painfully punishing platformer, remember the old proverb when looking at old homely Louie: "There, by the Grace of God, go I."- Funkmaster V
3.5 (Good) "Astro Fighter kinda looks like its own outer space bowl of Lucky Charms. You have red chubby ghosts, yellow rocket ships, and blue uteruses" - Funkmaster V
3.5 (Good) "...if your childhood dream was representing Estonia in the biathlon... your day has come."- Funkmaster V
3.5 (Good) "GoSub is a functioning homebrew that seems to be greater than the sum of its parts. The drive to beat the game supersedes the eventual monotony of the game play." - Funkmaster V
3.0 (Fair) "Donkey Kong's genital region isn't as disturbing as it is in his game." - Funkmaster V
3.0 (Fair) "I'm not sure what is going on in Donkey Kong's genital region, but I am sure that I don't want to know."- Funkmaster V
3.0 (Fair) "way too often, the clown lands on the floor, breaks his legs, bones shoot from his thighs as children in the stands are scarred for life. "- Funkmaster V
3.0 (Fair) "I don't know if it succeeds as a putt putt video game, but it did make me laugh out loud several times watching the sh!t on the screen go crazy."- Funkmaster V
3.0 (Fair) "Planet Smashers would be a good gift to those who think they are good at everything."- Funkmaster V
POLE POSITION II3.0 (Fair) "This game gets slammed often, but I honestly don't see why it gets ragged so hard. Maybe NASCAR fans are doing the reviews and they are irritated by having to turn right."- Funkmaster V
3.0 (Fair) "Rarely has adventure, murder, ghosts, goblins, mazes, zombies and treasure hunting ever felt so... boring." - Funkmaster V
3.0 (Fair) "Instead of a game filled with inverts, McTwists, and 720 airs, we have a puzzle/action hybrid filled with buzz saws, computers, and typewriters." - Funkmaster V
XENOPHOBE3.0 (Fair) "...the game lacks many features that could have easily been added which makes it feel less than complete."- Crossbow
3.0 (Fair) "With missing adversaries, no extra levels, plus the predictable pattern of the enemies, the game is a very weak translation."- Crossbow
3.0 (Fair) "...this game doesn't reinvent the wheel, but it does a great job putting a disgusting, flesh colored paint job on it."- Funkmaster V
2.5 (Weak) "There's alot to hate about this game, but it still has a special place in my heart. It's kinda like an alcholic brother that steals from you and grabs at your wife's ass. I love him, but I can also see myself throwing him through a plate glass window." - Funkmaster V
2.5 (Weak) "On the old site I gave this game a 4.5... What the hell was I thinking? I believe nostalgia clouded my damned brainz." - Funkmaster V
KUNG FU MASTER2.5 (Weak) "Sometimes I feel sorry for the bad guys... and that's not a good thing when playing a video game."- Funkmaster V
2.5 (Weak) "I can't put my finger on it, but this title is very similar to Pole Position 2, and yet it is not nearly as fun." - Funkmaster V
2.5 (Weak) "If Flight simulators are your thing... then stay away from the Atari 7800. However, if they are your thing and you just gotta do it, this one is somewhat enjoyable if you have the manual to hold your hand." - Funkmaster V
MELTDOWN2.5 (Weak) "I feel like Meltdown was going to be a great game, but it was abused as a child and it never fully developed properly."- Funkmaster V
2.5 (Weak) "Here's a fun little sports game. I say little because there isn't much to it, and I'm also trying to be condescending."- Funkmaster V
PETE ROSE BASEBALL2.5 (Weak) "You can overlook the infielding control flaws and enjoy a mildly fun baseball title if you want to... but chances are you won't want to."- Funkmaster V
2.5 (Weak) "As it takes off that top hat, its little weird and slightly suggestive "Hey!" reassures me that Christmas is well on its way... and simultaneously makes me feel a little weird about myself at the same time."- Funkmaster V
2.0 (Poor)"...Let's head down to the Rooster Ranch and throw eggs at some lunatic rooster."- Funkmaster V
2.0 (Poor) "Combat 1990 is the first homebrew game made for the 7800. It's playable, but has less modes than its 1977 VCS predecessor."- Funkmaster V
2.0 (Poor) "...no matter how hard you try, you cannot control that damn ball. You start cursing and tensing up...and then your left eye twitches. "- Funkmaster V
2.0 (Poor) "Call me the Romanian judge, but I don't get the praise I often see for this sports title. Summer Games misses out on medalling in every event it tries to get us excited about."- Funkmaster V
TOMCAT THE F-14 FLIGHT SIMULATOR2.0 (Poor) "I would rather do chores than sit down with an instruction manual in my lap and flip difficulty switches back and forth while pressing "select" and "reset" over and over again to keep this bird in the air."- Funkmaster V
F-18 HORNET2.0 (Poor) "Reading the box makes it sure sounds like fun! However, I have a completely different story to tell."- Crossbow
2.0 (Poor) "On a system devoid of any quality fighting games, this one wins the title by default." - Funkmaster V
2.0 (Poor) "Barnyard Blaster is a game with good graphics but is so boring and broken, that not even the thrill of shooting Gramps in the head will save it."- Funkmaster V
WATER SKI2.0 (Poor) "...once I finally defeated the first level, all of my care went out the window when I realized that all this game was gonna do was screw me. And let's be honest---- doesn't 'Water Ski' sound like a generic POS, anyways?"- Funkmaster V
1.5 (Bad) "Corporate Apathy in a video game cartridge... this pile a crap that is unbeatbale due to a progamming error signifies a bigger problem... Atari did not GAF at this point."- Funkmaster V
1.5 (Bad) "I waste too much time playing video games that have no point. But to waste time trying to find a cat that is really the dollar sign is sinful."- Funkmaster V
1.5 (Bad) "Looking back to 1986 now, I wonder if this game's biggest sin wasn't just being a terrible port of a computer game, but could it be partially to blame for the Prosystem faltering launch?"- Funkmaster V
1.5 (Bad) "I would think, naturally, that a wrestling game would have wrestling moves."- Funkmaster V
TANK COMMAND1.5 (Bad) "I wonder what made the artists decide to place this wartime tank game in a fluffy pink wonderland? I mean, are we invading Barbie's evil empire or what?" - Funkmaster V
1.5 (Bad) "I wish I could physically wrestle this game: I'd put it in the figure four leg lock and curse its momma. What a jobber of a port."- Funkmaster V
SUPER HUEY UH-IX1.5 (Bad) "If you like 80's flight simulators and solving complicated calculus problems with clunky joysticks, this game may tickle your tedious video game funny bone. If you are like the rest of humanity and you enjoy video games that are fun, stay far far away from Super Huey."- Funkmaster V
1.0 (Terrible) "Conservatives and Liberals, Indepedents, Libertarians and Greens and even the Democratic Socialists will all want to kneel on this American football disaster." - Funkmaster V"
1.0 (Terrible) "Atari did a bang up job improving Realsports Baseball...... for the Atari 5200. The bad thing is...the one for their console 5 years later outright sucks."- Funkmaster V

Demos, Hacks, Prototypes, Oddities, Unfinished Games

TITLE SCORE QUICK HITTER
Must Have "Possible Mission offers a chance to remedy one of the biggest programming gaffes in video game history, and in turn, redeems an IP for 1000's of NTSC Prosystem enthusiasts"- Funkmaster V
Must Have "...even the brightly colored blocks include texture, shadows and highlights but isn't overly busy." - Funkmaster V
MISSING IN ACTIONMust Have "The game so tough three programmers died making it! Chuck Norris MIA will be reviewed here soon!"- Funkmaster V
Dud "There's a graphical hack of Freeway in this called: Freeway Rabbit. And then, the original Freeway is included and called "Freeway Chicken". Something fishy is going on here..." - Funkmaster V