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5.0 Perfect
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4.0 Very Good
3.5 Good
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0.5 Atrocious
0.0 Your Mom


Funkmaster V Reviews


7800 Homebrew Rank: Unranked

Genre: Self Esteem Booster

Awards: The 2005 Creeping Socialism First Place Award for Achievement in Games You Can't Lose
I never liked kittens Pros: Unique Visual Style, Good Game for Children (maybe), Good for a Chuckle, Includes About and Instruction Screens
Cons: No Audio, Pointless
But I love me some hot robot action


Overview: Before the 7800 homebrew scene was as promising as it is now, a nice young man that goes by Shaggy the Atarian sponsored a contest that encouraged peeps with mad skills to design games for the Atari 7800. Unwittingly Shaggy opened the door to one of the oddest
video game lineages to wash up on good ole Atari Isle. You see, robotfindskitten is not a new game, it has been ported to several systems: from old computers, to the PSP, from the Dreamcast, to java... totaling to more than 2 dozen other consoles, computers systems, and handhelds. Why? I really can't tell you why. This really isn't a game at all... but it is interesting... I would guess this game is fun to program because you can be creative with the in-game dialogue. Playing the game, however... is not that fun. It feels like playing an old DOS educational title without learning anything. I would settle for dying of dysentery as oppossed to this.

Graphics: I really dig the old school DOS game look to this title. Everything, including the graphics on the title screen, is made up of keyboard strokes or those crazy icons that look like your computer has a virus. There are some color variations, but mainly the game is black and white. My guess is Thomas didn't lose weeks of sleep rendering these graphics, but overall that graphics work really well.

Sound: Besides the static sound my old TV makes when the game begins its end game sequence, the game is totally devoid of audio. That's probably a good thing, but its still lowers the production value of the title quite a bit.

Gameplay: : The gist of robotfindskitten is that you control a robot (an asterisk) and you need to find a kitten.... because, hey... we all love kittens, right? The problem is that in robotfindskitten world, everything is a keystroke, so the kitten could be anything: the number 9, an ampersand, or even the colon (eww!). This is a great idea, actually. You see, in this world, I could say, "Hey, my car is a convertible BMW." You might say, "But that looks like a percent sign." And then I would say, "That's right, a-hole. You suck and you can't ride in it." But I wouldn't really do that... I'm just saying... ya know. Anyways, you move the robot around the screen, touching all of the keystrokes to see what dialogue pops up. Normally, it identifies itself. And normally, my reaction to these quips is like how I feel when a child tells me a joke. Well... either that or something is stated that makes you wonder how weird the programmer is in real life. For example, sometimes you get to read little funny (and possible dated) sayings when something identifies itself like: "An incredibly expensive "Mad About You" collector plate" (see?) But more often than not, you get weird messages like, "Grind em up and spit em out. They're Twigs." Sometimes you get messages where the creativity juice had run out: "It's a U.S. President." Eventually you find the keystroke that represented the kitten and then you are presented with an ending sequence where they run to each other and hug. That's.... it.

Overall: I'm telling you... I get it... I'm glad I own it... I'm glad I played it... I just can't recommend it to normies. It's not like I don't odd games, either. I do like them: Cubivore. Doshin the Giant. Typing of the Dead. Hell, I even get a kick out of Pac Pollux. It's not that I don't like cutesy/ effeminate games either: Animal Crossing, Space Channel 5, Hello Kitty Roller Rescue (sorry dad) but robotfindskitten has no point. I understand that this is a faithful adaptation, but if it were me, I would add a timer, lasers, trapdoors, or maybe just a mean exclamation point that you have to run from as it speaks poorly of your biological mother... give me something competitive! I waste too much time playing video games that have no point. But to waste time finding a cat that is really the dollar sign is sinful. I guess I'm too American... I need some sort of scoring, killing, punching, racing or money making ability in my video games. I could only recommend this game to people with small kids (like 3 and 4 years old), people with terrible self esteem, people with icky senses of humor or the collectors of the weird.


TYPICAL VIDEO GAME WEBSITE SECOND OPINION!:

by my 4 year old daughter Greta Vineyard in 2006

Greta: I like Kittens
Vinnie: Do you want to play robotfindskitten?
Greta: Yes!
Vinnie: Okay (picks up game)
Greta: Let's play the burger game! (points at Beef Drop)



Top 10 Weird Messages That I Could Stand to Find in robotfindskitten:

10) "How in the heck can I wash my neck if it ain't gonna rain no more?" asks Farmer Al.
9) A number of short theatrical productions are indexed 1,2,3...n.
8) "blup, blup, blup" says the mudpot.
7) Look at that, it's the Crudmobile.
6) A large blue eye floats in midair.
5) This tomography is like, hell axial, man!
4) The non-kitten item like this but with "true" and "false" switched is false.
3) It's a stupid mask, fashioned after a beagle.
2) It's a blind man. When you touch, he exclaims, "It's a kitten prospecting robot!"
1) It's the triangle leg adjacent to an angle divided by the leg opposite of it

How do you feel after reading those? Well... I'm sorry.