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SCORES EXPLAINED:

5.0 Perfect
4.5 Excellent
4.0 Very Good
3.5 Good
3.0 Fair
2.5 Weak
2.0 Poor
1.5 Bad
1.0 Terrible
0.5 Atrocious
0.0 Your Mom


Funkmaster V Reviews


7800 Rank: None

Genre: Action

Awards: None
Oh Look, Honey! A Teddy Bear Picnic! Pros: Large Sprites, Difficulty Ramps Up Rapidly
Cons: Poetiru is Too Stripped Down in Too Many Areas
You Mean a Teddy Bear Picnic... OF DEATH!!!


Overview: According to the website www.sebastianmihai.com, the word "Poetiru" came to game creator Sebastian Mihai in a dream. Okay, so now that we know he is nuts, let's see
if his game holds water. This simple curiosity is one of the most basic Atari 7800 homebrews you will ever play. How basic? Let's see... there's no need for two buttons, there's no shooting, no sound, no jumping, no ending, no title screen, no weapons, no score, no options, no high scores, no level variation, no funk, no boobs, no nachos... so... why are we even here? Oh! There's dessert in the corners... Okay... I'm intrigued.

Graphics: This game is very basic and lacks level variation, but the sprites are large and colorful. The main protagonist is a cute brown bear with a Mr. T chain and the enemies appear to be autonomous alien saw blades... or something like that. The bouncing cupcakes are too pink for my dietary lusts, but I do appreciate the textured teddy bear picnic ground and the fact that the game creator let us know his favorite type of sex act by placing "SM" in the corner. When a saw blade touches our Teddy Bear, no bloody decapitation takes place, just a level reset. There's not even a congratulatory screen when you defeat the 10 levels.

Sound: There's no sound. Perfect library game.

Gameplay: Like Sick Pickles, Wasp! or Frogger, this is just a simple dodge 'em twitch game. Poetiru features 10 levels and it can even be beaten in less than 10-15 minutes. The game's character, a simple brown teddy bear-looking fella, must dodge flying saw blades in the quest to devour 4 pink cupcakes located in the corners of each level. Once you eat all four 4 cupcakes, you go to the next level, and a saw blade is added. Plus, you get diabetes. You have unlimited lives, and the game's small play field makes this title feel more like gambling than a test of skill. The position of the blades and their directions change each inning. Around level 6 or so, things get hairy...then you are at the mercy of the RNG gods on whether or not you can slink around the lawn and clear the level unscathed.

Originality: Graphically, this is a unique experience, but gameplay wise it is not a very memorable one. But speaking of originality, this is the first game that I have played in a long time that starts you at level zero. So there's that.

Value: (The game is free, so I guess the Value should be 5.0, but I always meant this to be a Replay Value score anyways) The best feature of Poetiru is the fact that you can start a level whenever you want. You can wait on the saw blades to clear and their patterns to be perceived before making a run for it. Tapping the button makes "Ted" change from grey to brown, and then its game on. This feature is the only reason this title even needs a button. Clearing a level is exhilarating in that "I just won at hide and seek" kinda way, but the lack of limited stock lives or consequences for bad play makes the wins feel cheap.

Overall: This game is available to download for Atari 7800 emulators but a physical release is probably not happening. And I'm very OK with that. Although its cute and challenging to a degree, there's no real reason to play this incomplete game more than once or twice. I get it, as a diabetic with a sweet tooth, I get the delicious and dangerous aura surrounding sugary confections for me, but these floaty cupcakes are just too dangerous to screw with, bear. Go to Kroger's or Ralph's. There's less flying saw blades, plus the bakery has cream horns, cannolis, and macrons too boot.



Other reviews:

Retro Gaming Monthly: 4 out of 10

Fun Fact:

***Mr. Mihai dreams of words. I dream of your mom.