Every Atari 7800 Game Reviewed
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5.0 Perfect
4.5 Excellent
4.0 Very Good
3.5 Good
3.0 Fair
2.5 Weak
2.0 Poor
1.5 Bad
1.0 Terrible
0.5 Atrocious
0.0 Your Mom

Funkmaster V Reviews

7800 Rank: Not Ranked

Genre: Sports (Ice Hockey)

Awards: None
Hey! The Puck is That Way, Fellows! Pros: Cute Little Mix of Hockey and Pong
Cons: Jittery Gameplay/ Serious Lack of Modes and Features
A Path Lay Before You, Young Adventurer... Choose Wisely

Overview: You little dummies from America clicked on this because you thought this was gonna be about a video game involving a magician
at a kid's birthday party, didn't you? Well, asshat, there are no magic hoops, rabbits in hats or card tricks here, this game is all about some ice hockey. Well... kinda. It's kinda ice hockey and kinda pong. Is that weird? It is, isn't it? Also, its from a top down perspective which is a bit odd, and its only 2 on 2 hockey... so it feels a bit janky. Eh, whaddyagonnado?

Graphics: The graphics are simple, but very clean and bright. I think the rink looks great. The fixed bird's eye view camera gives you a feeling that we are playing a form of table hockey. The scoreboard, players, and rink all look good, except maybe for the yellow center circle. I'm sure there is a hockey name for this circle, but hey...I'm an American, we just wanna see fights. Oh yeah... there are no fights in Hat Trick... more on the later. But anyway, the graphics are modest but good.

Sound: This game may have some of the most underrated audio in the system's library. Much of the audio is comprised of silly sound effects like wolf-whistles and that da-da-da-DA-da-DA "Charge!" thing. There also is the sound of random skating that doesn't coincide with the actual game, but, dammit it all, I think they tried. Also, when you score a goal there is a big ole' whistle. Everyone within three blocks will know you scored a goal, because it's loud. There's music on the menu screen and when the game is over, the machine plays a super rapid version of "Turkey In the Straw" as the zamboni cleans the ice. Because when you think of ice hockey, you think of that jug band, sometimes blackface minstrel tunes. I did research... too much research in fact, trying to figure out what that song was... and boy... some versions of that are deplorable. "Turkey in the Straw" was also Billy the Kid's favorite song, so that should tell you something. See? Too much research on this shiz.

Gameplay: Any video game on any system that features humans on ice always has this delayed control feel to it, which is realistic, but annoying. I HATE ICE STAGES! Besides the ice effect, the players are extremely jittery and unresponsive. Playing the game feels a little bit like a mess. To add to the confusion, you control two people at once, the goalie and the skater. The goalie moves up and down and acts more like a pong paddle than a human goalie. He also looks like a quadruple amputee. Is that offensive? I didn't mean it to be- it just bothers me looking at them. But let me remind you, we are talking about a game with a non-rap song with the N-word in it, so we are in a new realm of offensive here at www.Atari7800Forver.com. Getting back to the gameplay, the skater can steal, shoot, and hopefully score. There are no penalties, penalty boxes, power plays, icing calls, offsides, periods, shoot outs or most importantly, no fighting in this game. Your skater basically just points and shoots. Because it is so simple and games are only 2 minutes long, it is hard to score on experienced players. And when you do score, sometimes you wonder how the puck went through the goalie. I do love how the game keeps track of goalie saves. As a life long defensive player in sports, its about time we get some pub! ..........on a minor sports title.......... on a failed video game system from 1987... yay.

Interpretation: Its somewhat hard to find good video of Hat Trick online, but after finding some I have come to the conclusion that this version is pretty spot on. The arcade version doesn't have any racist ditties, and there are TONS of exuberant crowd noise in the arcade version, but everything else here is pretty spot on. The 7800 has more cooky sound effects and the skaters don't mark up the ice... but this is Hat Trick if you liked Hat Trick, boy. Wait... did anyone like Hat Trick?

Value: The game has a one and two player mode, and the one player gimmick has a novice/ expert difficulty choice. I haven't played this game in YEARS, and I beat the novice level 13-3 the first time I played it. Expert was tougher. I lost 3-5, then won 3-2, tied 4-4 (a 20 second overtime??? Are you kidding me? Hockey and their damned ties), then won 5-0 and 7-2. You see the pattern? After ten minutes you are in Hat Trick god mode, and the little gremlins inside the game cart retire your number and hang it from the rafters when you turn the game off.

Overall: You know whats really crazy about this title is that it is a souped up Pong, really. Just add goofy sound effects, hockey sounds, a zamboni, and a old cracker, jug band- sometimes racist tune and you can feel the iciness wafting off of your TV. Team red and team blue collide again on an Atari platform but this time we have a playable, but flawed, stab at a sport. I can't imagine many people playing this for long periods of time, but compared to Summer Games, Realsports Baseball and Touchdown Football, Hat Trick is a play-off contender in this sorry azz sports league.

Other Reviews:
The Video Game Critic: F

Additional Info: I would like to take this time to thank Atari Age for allowing the use of his screenshots for this review.